


Something Beyond Perfection

by lazywriter7



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Awesome Peggy Carter, Director Carter, Gen, Maria Hill Feels, SHIELD, SHIELD agents can be annoying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 04:35:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5898487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazywriter7/pseuds/lazywriter7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We’re not the kind of women who inspire…….tender emotions, Maria. We’re the ones who’re meant to be elevated on pedestals. Not held close to at night.” </p>
<p>Or, Maria Hill had never been too fussed about popularity. Or so she believed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Beyond Perfection

Maria Hill had never been too fussed about popularity.

Popularity was for the imbeciles that had nothing better to aim for in life. Who measured their self-worth on the yardsticks of others. Maria had been the stereotypical stick-in-the-ass party downer ever since she’d step foot in high school. Primary, if she was going to be completely honest with herself. It had never bugged her before, and it didn’t bug her now.

Or so she believed.

In truth, it wouldn’t even have _mattered_ if not for her recent reassignment within the echelons of SHIELD. Maria had been given a team to lead, and while she still firmly believed (a useless adverb according to her colleagues, the whole of SHIELD was of the opinion that Maria Hill did everything firmly. She gave orders firmly. She did her grocery shopping firmly. She went for a piss firmly.) that efficiency was the key to doing a job well, she wasn’t blind to the positive effects of charisma. Telling people what to do was so much easier when they liked you. And while Maria had never been a fan of ‘easy’, she could definitely appreciate the benefits of not losing valuable time arguing with people who were supposed to be in Bucharest at 1800 dammit, did no one wear watches anymore?

Maria didn’t want her team to adore her. She’d content herself with moderate tolerance, to mild dislike. Unfortunately, nothing about her team’s attitude (which included three Agents senior to her in experience) towards their new handler was anything remotely approaching mild or moderate.

It was starting to frustrate her. She didn’t get frustrated easily.

But honestly. Maria always had the best track records in the things she truly gave her heart to. She still liked going over her old school records and seeing the notable absence of a red mark, or the fact that she’d ranked highest in possibly every subject she’d ever opted for from her school career through college. She’d picked less subjects. Not necessarily the most advanced ones. But whatever she did pick, she aced. She’d won a medal in every intramural she’d ever participated in.

Maria Hill liked perfection in her life. A neat checkbox to tick against every little thing she’d ever done right. She didn’t do halves, or three-quarters, or nine-tenths. She went all the way, each and every time. A spic and span closet. All her book spines arranged neatly in line. No police record to speak of, not even when she’d bashed those goons’ knees in for thinking her ass was public property. All the art hanging on Maria Hill’s walls was modern, clean geometric lines flashing bright with acrylic, no smudges anywhere to be seen like those inane Impressionist pieces. Even her weaknesses were perfectly measured, and deemed appropriate. She’d wake up at 11 on Sundays in December. Wear pink or yellow woolly socks at Christmas. Leave her hair open on dates. Okay, the last part was a little hypothetical.

Because you see, even Maria Hill’s social life had been well planned in advance by Maria Hill. She didn’t have the time for dalliances in school- she was too busy doing well in everything else. She’d planned- a first crush in college, maybe. A boyfriend. Losing her virginity sophomore year. But social life didn’t work that way. Maria didn’t find anyone worth crushing on in first year of college. She’d been looking. But they were dismissed the moment they pulled a chair, or offered to pay, or even worse, treated her like fragile glass when they saw that spindly figure. She didn’t find a boyfriend either. She did lose her virginity, but two years too late, and to an experienced boy with cute freckles who never bothered calling her up later.

When you once got a taste of perfection, it was difficult to be satisfied with anything less. Maria wouldn’t taste anything but perfection. That was proving to be a little problematic.

So you understand why she was supremely annoyed when the first team she’d ever been given responsibility for kept screwing up minor assignments because _they simply wouldn’t listen to her_. They were messing up her track record. Anything else was inconsequential. Not even the fact that Maria sometimes liked kicking her feet back and watching movies, and wondering why she’d never had a best friend who would eat ice cream with her and insult her life decisions, or a childhood sweetheart who’d sneak barely legible love notes into her desk, or a boyfriend who’d at least cook her breakfast in bed even if she hated the crumbs, even if it wasn’t love.

Maria Hill was starting to think that maybe perfection didn’t work that way.

“Agent Hill.”

“Director.” Maria blinked and shot up to her feet, shoulder blades straight and feet slightly spaced- a remarkable achievement considering the slouching she was doing in her whirly chair not five seconds ago.

Director Peggy Carter smiled at her, her famous red lipstick now dulled to a more age-appropriate russet, but no less striking. She had impeccable posture for a woman of near sixty five, Maria straightened up even more unconsciously. “I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

“Of course not, Director. I was just….” Maria kept her face calm and sedate, while thinking of a possible alternative word to ‘moping’. “..thinking.”

“Not Director for too long, dear.” Peggy’s smile broadened. Of course Maria knew that, it was Peggy Carter’s last week at SHIELD, probably the reason why she was paying a visit to all the lower levels, she was normally too preoccupied to be seen here otherwise. The aforementioned woman extended a straight arm, palm perfectly vertical. “It was an honour working with you.”

Maria took the wrinkled hand in her own right, gave it three brief shakes, and released it. “All mine, Director.” _It was an honour. Honour._ Nothing like the hug she’d given to Maria’s own colleague, another junior agent, accompanied by a warm, ‘I’ll miss you, Phil.’ Honour. It ought to have been an immense word, coming from the legendary Peggy Carter. Somehow, it only managed to sound rather hollow on the insides.

Formality done with, Peggy Carter swivelled and began making her way to the elevators. Maria’s voice halted her before she herself was quite conscious of it. “Director.”

Peggy turned. “Yes, Agent Hill?”

“How….” Maria could have ended her question in any number of ways. How do you lead a team. How do you get idiots to listen to sense. How do you not strangle the people around you on a daily basis. The option her mouth chose was one her brain did not get a chance to vet. “How do you get people to like you?”

Silence. Maria could feel the humiliation trying to burrow its way into her spine.

Peggy Carter walked back towards her, tread steady, face unreadable. When she asked the next question, the normal amicability in her voice was gone, “What makes you think people like me, Agent?”

“Of course they do.” Maria’s voice injected, utterly without permission. She could feel her face burning. “I mean…..you founded SHIELD. Co-founded. People respect you. Listen to you. Like you. If there had to be a poll for the best liked government employee….”

Peggy laughed, a low, throaty chuckle. It only served to make Maria feel more uncomfortable. “I think you’re missing the key word here, Agent. Respect. Not ‘like’.”

Maria kept a firm hold over her tongue. She wasn’t going to humiliate herself more in front of her idol than she already had.

While traces of amusement lingered around her lips, Peggy Carter’s eyes were sharp now, and they scoped over Maria while she stood stone still in parade rest, shifting internally. The Director took a step forward, then spoke in a voice that demanded nothing less than complete attention and understanding. “I worked for years in an institution where I was treated as nothing more but a glorified secretary, who ferried lunch and coffee for her more superior colleagues, on mere virtue of the fact that they were male.” Peggy smiled then, and it was warm and cold all at once. “We’re women, Maria. Liking doesn’t factor into the equation. Respect is all we’ve ever needed.”

Maria didn’t blink.

“We’re not the kind of women who inspire…….tender emotions, Maria. We’re the ones who’re meant to be elevated on pedestals. Not held close to at night.” Or maybe it wasn’t coldness at all. Maybe it was a particular kind of sadness that tinged Peggy Carter’s every smile, a sorrow that she’d beaten into submission, made malleable until she could erect it as strength.

“But……you’re married.” From anyone else, it would have sounded like a blurt. Still, Maria couldn’t fully eliminate the….vulnerability in that tone. “With children.”

Peggy backed up a step and smiled easier. “So I am. Regardless. Respect is the only thing that ever mattered. Once you’re fortunate enough to earn that, perhaps you’ll have the time to spare for liking.” A minor inclination of the head, and she was walking away again.

Maria let her knees fold, felt her tailbone impact the seat of the chair. The rotating movement of it felt listless. She almost didn’t catch the next words.

“Agent Hill?”

Maria’s eyes darted up. Peggy Carter was now standing next to the half-opened elevator. From this distance, she looked like any other grey-haired woman.

But she wasn’t, was she. She wasn’t.

Maria felt a smile pulling at her lips. She didn’t let it rise to fruition. “Yes Director?”

“If you really are so fussed about liking, maybe you should put up that lovely doodle of a pineapple supported on sticks that you’ve made on that government dossier. On the communal bulletin board.” Peggy stepped into the elevator, eyes twinkling with mirth. “Its very imaginative.”

The elevator closed with a soft _ding_.

Maria stared at her lap. “That was a man.”

 

~

 

Years later, Maria Hill becomes famed for scratching little doodles in her assessment files, when her feelings are too immense to be expressed by mere words. When Agent Phil Coulson calls her porcupine inscribed with great detail on Grant Ward’s file a ‘pile of poop with swords sticking out of it’, she almost doesn’t mind.

Almost.

 

~ _fin._


End file.
